lately: my heart.

 i stumbled across this song one night when it was just what i needed, and i've been listening to it on repeat, and thinking through the lyrics since then.  with un finished wedding plans, school pressing in on me in all of my weakest spots, and a summer full of unknowns, I've found myself, well... not being myself.  sure, i've always been a worrier.  i was the friend that always said "what if we get in trouble?" or "i don't think our parents would be happy..."  i always analyze, make lists, but recently i've found myself almost paralyzed by the decisions in front of me.  with all of these up-coming decisions, i've been gripped by my anxiety.  my chest hurts, my stomach threatens to return my lunch, and all i want to do is curl up and go back to bed where no decisions need to be made. or just cry.  that usually happens too.  i've been trying to handle all of this messy life stuff on my own, and frankly it's just. not. working.  i selfishly pushed God out of my everyday tasks and decisions thinking "i can totally handle this" and "God doesn't care what color my table linens are at my wedding reception."  well i (clearly) can't handle it on my own. God might not exactly care about my color choices, but he does care for me.  while all of these decisions are mine to make, i do have a God who cares for me and wants the best for me. he wants to steady my heart, if only i learn to trust that he is in control. 

Waitng.Worring.Praying.

Boyfriend is en route from ghana to dubai to new york, and fiiinally home on baltimore! but i've got this thing, when anyone i love is flying, especially internationally, (especially when its boyfriend who has neen gone for 6weeks!) i'm a nervous, fidgety, excited ball of nerves. But mostly i worry. my mind takes off with every possible worst case scenario, and thats all i can think about until i know for sure my loved one is home safely. its awfully tiring when the said traveling takes 27 hours!
i must stop worrying and trust God that he is in control and, if it's his will, he will deliver whom ever it is home safely.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

James 1:2-4 

{Rangely, Maine}

as i studied for an exam today this verse came to mind.  As this semester comes to an end, and my perseverance feels like it's weakening by the day, this is just the kind of reminder i need.  nursing school has been the trial i've had to face lately. 

there have been nights where i cried, felt defeated, and wanted to just give up.  i considered other majors and careers because i couldn't remember why i chose one that seemed impossible to achieve. 

well, come to realize, i had forgotten who chose this career for me. i forgot who had put the desire in me to care for people, and who had guided my steps to this point.  i was taking all of the credit when credit wasn't mine. i didn't put this trial in my life.  he did.  because he knows i can accomplish it, and has planned my life with this trial to refine me, and to grow my faith.  he has also given me the strength and perseverance to get to this half-way-point.  he specifically chose these trials for my life so that i can be mature and complete, not lacking anything. just the thought that he even wants that for me is mind-blowing.  the god of the universe wants me. little clancy. to be mature and complete. and to not lack anything. 

i often think i want an easier life.  stress-free, and less busy so i can do things i've pushed to the back burner.  but considering this verse, an easy life would be pointless.  there would be no opportunity to persevere, to trust God and come out on the other side of a trial stronger, and with more faith that you had before.  

i am so grateful for these trials i've been given over the past year.  for nursing school, for the tests that i thought would eat me alive, for the strained relationships, the heartache, and for the testing of my faith. 

 i am thankful that he cares for me enough to test me and refine me.

so, GO! climb that mountain of yours with perseverance this week...it's good for you!