birthday kinda day.

well.  today i'm pretending it's my birthday.  lazy morning. wedding research  pinterest stalking. i might even go get my hair cut(because it's been about a million years.) and lunch with my mom followed by a little bit of shopping.  ok, maybe a lot of shopping ;)

she's in school, you say.  why is she pretending it's her birthday, when she probably has 897098234 on her to do list?  

i'll tell you why.  

tomorrow i have clinical.  with psychiatric patients. the kind that have tried to kill them selves just days before, possibly more than once.  other ones who are so depressed they couldn't get out of bed for 3 months.  some patients are just plain crazy and talk to them selves, or yell rude things at the female nurses. and tomorrow, the day that i am with the aforementioned crazies, is my real-not-pretend birthday.  

school on your birthday... no big deal. it happens to everyone born between september and june.  but an 8 hour school day where you're locked(yes. locked in, like you're a patient yourself) on a psychiatric ward with people are cray-zee is hardly they way i've ever pictured my birthday.  seriously guys.  this place makes me want to cry when i walk on the unit.  my palms start sweating, and my heart all but jumps out of my chest and runs back out into the hospital lobby, and i fear the unknown.  my thoughts on why i will never be a good psychiatric nurse are for another post, another day.  

but seriously.  i am dreading tomorrow. i wish i could somehow fast forward to 4:15 when i am allowed to leave the unit.  i will be counting the minutes! 

but until then...

today is the day.  before the day. my pre-birthday :) 

(where the only crazy person is me.  because i'm planning a wedding.  and in school.  heaven help me.)

sleepless.

 tomorrow is a clinical day, which means I have a wake up call at 4:45 am. 

yet here i sit at 12:15 still awake.

I went down stairs to get myself some hot milk and honey with cinnamon, and wonder why i can't sleep.

 maybe it was the tea I drank this afternoon... 

maybe I have too much on my mind, and need to write some things down.

I've been thinking a lot lately about friendships. what makes them, what breaks them, what makes them stronger, what makes them grow.

my friendship history(i guess you could call it that) has had it's ups, and it's downs.  somedays if feels as though the downs out weigh the ups.  thank goodness there's pictures, and memories to make you remember that the ups are worth the downs sometimes, and the friend that you love is worth the ride.

sometimes, however there is no up after a down.  at least is seems that way. i am in that particular spot with a friend now.

 its not arguing, no name calling, no disagreeing.  there is no specific event that was a turning point.  it is simply falling apart. or has fallen apart. 

i keep wondering what did i do wrong? how could i have been a better friend? why is this happening now? 

part of me is "over" this friendship, the part that gets impatient, and annoyed.  the other part of me is broken. totally crushed. the part that cares, and loves and needs those people close to me to share life with. 

 i am not sure how to go about this whole thing to be honest. i have fought tooth and nail to resuscitate the friendship, but i sometimes wonder if in fact this friendship has served it's purpose, and it's ok to move on.  even the thought of that makes me bawl. 

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. -C.S. Lewis

how true. life is possible without friendship, but life with friendship is something to truly treasure.  i truly am thankful for the friendships i have, and the ones i've had.  even this one, that is keeping me up tonight.  a am so blessed to be surrounded by friends who make me a better person, who make me laugh so hard i cry, who make me laugh when i cry, who have strengthened my weaknesses, friends who i cherish and have made my life full.

(and i'm so thankful for my mom who's friendship is always reliable, and who's advice i should have taken years ago. thankfully she doesn't mind repeating herself ;) )

if you could give one piece of advice on friendship to a child, that would stick with them for the rest of their lives, what would you tell them? 

leave a comment with your answer!

goodnight,

-C